I Am Only Human

Hi all and thanks for reading!  Over the past year, I’ve come to realize that I’m getting a whole new audience of not only family, friends, and fans interested in our baseball life, but also a lot of women in the baseball community.  These women have come forward and have given me such great feedback, including how they love that they can completely relate to my blogs I have written.  Because of this however, I wanted to go in a little different direction with my next post.  I want these women to know that my husband and I are faced with the same challenges they are and that I do not always handle those challenges like I’m Superwoman.  Instead, know that I am only human.

The vantage point of a man’s baseball career through the eyes of the public is very different than his own reality. When most people observe a player’s life, they forget about things like family. They forget that the player might also play the role of a husband, a father, or both.  When these relationships aren’t put into perspective, then conversations we have at home are almost certainly never thought about by anyone.  That’s okay and completely understandable though, because really, why would anyone be picturing a player’s at home life? Especially while his team is in the race for playoffs… 

To the public eye, things couldn’t have been better. Tyler was just wrapping up the best season of his career, having gone 146 innings pitched with an ERA of just 2.77.  He had only given up 22 walks, while striking out 138 batters!  He was such a fan favorite;  though I might add, the whole team was doing awesome. The guys had been in a tight race for playoffs and had just clinched the last win they needed to earn them a spot.  The fans were ecstatic.  They’d give anything not to see the end of baseball season. It was really an exciting time. Tyler had also just recently been invited to play in the Arizona Fall League; a league in which every Major League Baseball organization sends seven of their top prospects to play in each fall.  The excitement was increasing at such an extreme rate as fans, family and friends found out about the invite.  More of Tyler playing baseball? How great!!

Or was it?

Well of course it was.  What kind of question is that? Tyler was honored and you wouldn’t believe how excited we were for this opportunity! 

However…

I am only human, and well, that is how I’ll rest my case.

"This is so hard," I said to Tyler as I felt my eyes begin to water, "Just a lot harder than I thought it would be."

"I know," he tenderly replied, "I know it is."

There we were, cuddled up on our bed, with only a week or so left in the season.  I was trying to be strong, I was trying to be as grown up as I possibly could, and I was trying so hard to fight back the tears.  It was really working quite well for me, until of course, Ty took me in his arms and held me tight.  That was my cue to fully let go, and that’s just what I did; I lost it. 

I was sobbing, and at the same time wondering what the heck was wrong with me? I am lucky, I do have an awesome and exciting life traveling around with my husband, I am blessed every single day and night; yet here I am… crying?

“Ugh, stop hugging me,” I said to Tyler, as I pushed him away and started to laugh.  He smiled, knowing very well that hugging me when I’m already on the verge of crying only makes me start balling hysterically, aka: the ugly cry. Yeah, you know.  He insists it’s good I get it ALL out though…haha.

"I'm sorry," I continued, "I know I’m just being selfish, but I really am thankful for all this time we do actually get together.”

"Stop it," Ty reassured me, “You don’t owe me an apology and it’s perfectly okay for you to feel this way.  You know I feel the same way too.” 

I knew my husband was right, that it was okay for me to cry, and that he truly knew how I was feeling, but I still managed to pull it together as Tyler wiped away my tears.

See the thing is, I absolutely love this game we call baseball.  I love the fastballs, curveballs, strikes, and hits.  I love the sacrifice flies, bunts, 6-4-3 double plays, and close plays at the plate.  I love the atmosphere at a ballpark, no matter the ballpark, and I love watching my husband pitch!  I am seriously telling you, I love the game of baseball and I am so lucky to be able to go to a game almost every night! 

What I struggle with though, is realizing that not only is baseball a game, and not only is baseball a sport, but that baseball is also a way of life, our way of life.  Once you’re in, it’s all you know, and so we’ve been told, once you’re out, it’s all you miss.  The transition to and from this lifestyle we live is not a walk in the park, or should I say, ballpark. :)

So now, the end of the 2011 season was quickly approaching, and as much as I stand behind my word that I absolutely love baseball, I also adore the off-season.  Not only is it literally “The Most Wonderful Time of The Year,” and when our schedule somewhat returns to normal for a couple months, but this particular offseason was going to be our first time home in eight months! I had done what I set out to do though. I had traveled with my husband for the first baseball season of our marriage.  Since previous years I would only be able to see him once or twice in a whole season, I decided I would stick it out just like the players have to, eight months away from home.

Well… I’m never doing that again. Ha!

Who was I kidding?  This life was hard!  Tyler and I felt like fools as we sat there together that night talking, laughing, and crying, (well I guess I should say only I did the crying), while remembering how excited we were about me traveling with him.  We would finally be able to see each other all the time!  Oh goodness, just typing that makes me chuckle. 

It’s true, I saw a lot more of my husband than I was used to staying back home in Nebraska, but if I’m being honest, we also spent a lot of time apart. For instance, players are required to ride the team bus on road trips, and if wives choose to go, they must drive separately and pay for their own hotel room.  Well, the majority of the trips we simply couldn’t afford for me to go on, and on top of that, some of the away series were more than eleven hours away. I didn’t particularly want to do those drives by myself, so I would stay back for the eight days they were gone. Also, even when the team was playing at home, time together was sparse. Tyler literally spent twelve hours a day at the field, seven days a week, meaning we got to see each other about two hours a day tops; an hour after we woke up, and an hour before we went to sleep.  Oh the life!    

I now understand why baseball wives with kids say they feel like single moms.  Our husbands are gone all the time during baseball season, whether we live with them or not.

Here is a snippet of an article I found by Michael Callahan from 2010, titled “A League Of Their Own.”

“Because if you’re a Phillies spouse, your life is lived in halves. There’s the public half, the glamorous half, the half that makes you a celebrity. The one that gets waved to the front of lines for pricey blowouts and beauty treatments at the city’s better salons, that gets the table at Vetri without the reservation, that sits in deluxe box seats at Citizens Bank Park, that drives the nice car and shops at nice stores. That lives a life that can only be called delicious.

 Ah, but that other half. That’s the half no one sees. The one that packs up and moves thrice a year every year, that pays the bills and deals with, as Jamie Moyer’s wife Karen succinctly puts it, “every broken bone and broken pipe.” The one who goes to the school plays and the weddings alone, who patiently explains to the kids, once again, that Daddy can’t be there for the birthday party because he’s on a road trip to Cincinnati. The one who has to explain to the fan who’s just barreled into your first restaurant dinner out as a family in months that no, she can’t take a picture now. And the one who lies in bed alone at night and stares at the ceiling, worrying about whether her husband’s pitching slump will get him dumped to the minors, or if that nagging soreness in his shoulder is a rotator cuff about to tear, or if that trade rumor will have her online house-hunting in Kansas City in the morning.  And the one who has to listen as her husband is vilified in public eight months of the year…”

Now obviously this article is based on major league wives; so for myself and other minor league wives, you can just rule out that glamorous half. We don’t see any of that, not yet anyways. Just keeping faith! :)

As for the rest of it, it’s so true!  I remember crying one night because I felt like I was just turning into my husband’s personal assistant.  I was the one doing everything for us it seemed like because he was always gone. I even had to go through an earthquake and hurricane without him!  I knew Tyler was working hard and chasing his dream for us, and I knew this life was going to take a lot of sacrifice, but it was so much weight on my shoulders at one time. This life was getting lonely. I realized then that I couldn’t handle all the pressure without breaking, and that I was only human after all.

Luckily though, I have the most amazing husband ever.  He is so caring and grateful, and he is such a strong man.   I can learn so much from him.  One area we are both strong in though is our faith. The two of us together, along with the help from God, managed to get me out of my slump and start believing in this life again!  That’s when we got the news… playoffs and the Arizona Fall League. 

Alright God, I thought we just figured this out?

Well, the team ended up losing in the first round of playoffs, but it still added a week onto our season due to bad weather and travel days.  I managed to get through it just fine.  As for the AFL?  I was so thrilled! Tyler and I were both so excited for him and he was very honored to be representing the Phillies there.  I knew I wouldn’t be able to travel with Ty to Arizona, as I already had an off-season job lined up, but I was okay with that.  I couldn’t wait to get back home!  (FYI, by back home I mean: back in Nebraska, back with our friends, family and pets, back in our own bed, in our own room, in my parent’s basement.)

Say it with me this time…”Oh the Life!”

There were only a few things left to worry about now that our off-season was being cut short.  I had already sent back a couple RSVPs to weddings that Tyler and I were supposed to be attending together.  That meant I’d need to call the hosts to let them know our responses that originally said “we,” had just turned into “only me.”  Then came the plans for my birthday; I’d need to cancel those.  Also, I’d have to get another costume for the Halloween party we planned on attending together.  And finally, our one-year wedding anniversary; yep, I’d need to cancel those plans too.

And so I came to realize: It’s really not as fun going to weddings without your husband, sitting out the slow songs and watching the other couples dance.  It’s really great going out with your girls on your birthday, although it’s hard putting on an act when you’re asked about your husband not being there.  It kind of sucks when you’re dressed in plain scrubs at a Halloween party now because your original costume wouldn’t be a hit without your husband there dressed up too.  And the thought of being apart for your first year anniversary?  I couldn’t think about it.

I give up baseball gods. I. Give. Up.

Truth is, I didn’t give up.  Sure it would be easy to, but I refused to do it. I put on my happy face and prayed like crazy.  I knew better than to get upset with Tyler.  Who would I be to make my own husband feel guilty, to manipulate him, or to punish him for something I knew we both had no control over?  I wasn’t planning on hating his job or the game of baseball either.  I was going to suck it up and get back on the positive track.  After spending time with my family, friends, and co-workers, I knew what I was going to do. I was going to go visit Tyler in Arizona over our anniversary!  Our financial situation wasn’t the greatest, but we didn’t care.  My boss agreed to let me have the time off and that was that.  Hands down, Tyler and I were the happiest couple in the world!

This is the way I look at it. God has chosen this life for us, and God knew that we would have absolutely no control over anything about it. I believe one hundred percent that I was meant to be okay with having no control, and so I am. I know to trust in God that he will lead the way and that everything will be okay if I have faith in him.  Baseball is a blessing, and it is truly a way of life.  Tyler and I have learned from last year to have absolutely no expectations this year, but instead, to have only God.

As Spring Training 2012 is now upon us, I continually thank God for letting me be able to travel with my husband again.  This is definitely the time of year when fans start getting pumped up to see their favorite players out practicing again, but this is also a very hard time of year for baseball families.  It’s time to say goodbye and face the loneliness of this lifestyle again. So please, as you support these players throughout the year, keep their wonderful families in your thoughts and prayers. 

Happy Spring Training everyone. Play ball!  :)